Him & Them Small Group Meetings
The 12 Steps
Since the early beginnings of 12 step work, it became apparent the work God was doing to transform the person with addiction was not just about the 12 steps. They are indeed helpful in helping us recognize our relationship with our Creator, and to clean up the wreckage of our past. Do not be deceived that this program can be done by reading the book and working through the workbook on one’s own. It is quite clear all these decades later that the real therapeutic value is in the fellowship of the groups and the one-on-one relationship to work the steps.
Regardless of the drug of choice, the end stages of any addiction can be crushingly isolated – sometimes leading the person with addiction into such isolation and hopelessness that suicide seems to be the only way out. This is so tragic to those of us that know that God is faithful and that He will not let us suffer more than we can bear. He has given us a way out. (1Cor 10:13) For believers, the way out is clearly defined in the Bible:
Recognize your separation from God.
Confess to Him and surrender from fighting on your own.
Turn away from the old way of living and seek God’s will for your life.
Take responsibility for your past actions and mend any damage done.
If these instructions sound familiar, it is because they are taken straight from the writings of Paul, and they outline the original 12 steps of AA.
While we cannot stress enough the value of immediately beginning to meet with a Recovery Partner and working through life together (and perhaps the workbook too), almost a century of AA, NA, and a truckload of other _A’s has shown the wisdom of coming together as a community with a common purpose. The early church continued to meet in the temple for religious ceremonies, but adopted a “home church” model that closely resembles small groups. They were Jews, but met with the common purpose of remembering Jesus’ teaching and moving into the body of Christ themselves.
Small Group Structure
The structure of Him & Them small groups intentionally wishes to be flexible so that each group can work in a way that best serves their needs. A few guidelines seem appropriate to provide some structure, but with prayerful consideration, the group may act as it pleases as long as Jesus remains at the center.
Groups should be led by a host and/or group leader, but this can be an agreed-upon position, or a rotating duty as determined by each group. While a certain degree of leadership is required for this position, humble servant should be the role rather than dictator.
It seems desirable for each group to associate with a “Sponsoring Church” to help with making the groups presence known, perhaps allowing space to meet, and maybe, in extreme circumstances, assist with conflict resolution. There are no certification requirements or costs for becoming a Sponsoring Church, nor may they charge for participation. The Him & Them program is a gift to anyone wishing to get sober.
A sponsoring Church should, if at all possible, seek out persons both male and female with at least a year of 12 step experience (more is desirable) to be the point person, and liaison between the groups and the church. They should be identified and provided with the literature so they can get acquainted with it before beginning. Him & Them isn’t radically different from AA, but it is NOT AA. There are important differences, not the least of which is the clear understanding that Christ Jesus is the Savior and healer now and forevermore.
If groups find it necessary to collect monies to provide for meeting space, or find it easier this way to provide refreshments, a designated treasurer should be decided upon by the group, and “transparency in all financial dealings” should be their motto. This will be decided on an individual group basis.
The size of the group will not be regulated by Him & Them, but experience has taught that 8-20 seems to allow freedom for everyone to be heard if desired, while providing enough experience to bring wisdom to most life issues. Growth is a good problem, but eventually, the decision must be made to split into two groups. Some Sponsoring Churches may wish to bring many groups together occasionally for larger worship.
Because of the nature of some drugs of choice and the nature of some individual’s trauma, common experience dictates that most groups should be same-sex (male or female) to allow frank and open discussion. There is no absolute rule here, and mixed groups are acceptable if the participants are good with it, but starting with one group for each sex seems prudent.
Groups may be open to everyone wishing to approach Christ in sobriety, or they may decide to “specialize” in a specific type of issue; e.g., only women, medical providers only, firefighters, or whatever demographic seems to serve the community. Always remember to offer grace and humble service to a new person who may be confused to specifics. At the very least help them find a group more appropriately suited to their situation, and even better, take them to it the first time.
Him & Them looks at various drugs of choice (DOC) as similar. They aren’t identical though, if some individuals wish to form a closed group focusing on a specific DOC (addiction to pornography or opioids as examples), then that is appropriate. Remember the specific drug wasn’t your problem, it was your misguided solution. Loving God, and loving each other is the true solution.
Him & Them has a not-for-profit, 501c3 corporate structure and doesn’t charge for its use. The book sales are used to print more books and to provide those who find themselves economically challenged with free or discounted literature. If needs along those lines are experienced, please contact us at: hello@him-and-them.org
As a new organization, we are sure to encounter new challenges which are unanticipated. We desire to grow together in Christ, so bring any questions, concerns, or even new perspectives that seem to be working for your group to the above email as well. We welcome all kinds of input.
Formatting
The format of meetings should be determined by the attendees, and while several are suggested here, flexibility to serve those in need should be of primary importance. In the end, the idea is to connect with one another and work toward a better understanding of our disease, while keeping Jesus front and center as the ultimate physician. Meetings should be opened and closed with brief prayer; however the group is most comfortable. The Serenity Prayer and The Lord’s Prayer are welcome, but not a mandatory part of Him & Them.
Step Work – going through the steps one per meeting is a time-honored way to allow newcomers to plug in and those with experience to both share wisdom and gain new insights as to their perspective changes in their sobriety.
Book Work – reading straight through the Him & Them book whether for a specified time (10-15 minutes), or a chapter a week, and then opening the meeting for discussion, is another way to make sure that, over time, all the pertinent topics get covered.
Individual Sharing – a specific member of the group (or a guest speaker) spends 10-15 minutes sharing a brief outline of their past, how God is working in their lives to transform them, and where they are now on their journey. Excessive focus on “war-stories” or glorifying past use is considered distasteful by most and triggering to some. The speaker may pick a specific topic dear to them, and then open discussion for the rest of the time.
Open Topic – Some groups simply pray into a forum where they go around the room “Checking in” to tell how they’re doing and especially any challenges they are experiencing. If time allows, an open forum then follows for whatever topic seems to have the most energy to the group.
Group Values
Respect – Many of us, as a symptom of our disease, have become very self-centered. So just as a reminder, let’s start with a bit of etiquette:
Start and end on time to respect other’s schedules
Phones off/vibrate – Checking them should be VERY infrequent. It can wait.
Hold side talk and cross talk to a minimum. Yes, your joke is soooo funny, but maybe tell it later.
As much as is possible, try to stay on topic. If you have a burning desire to work through a specific issue, ask the meeting leader BEFORE the meeting, so they can direct the conversation that way.
Be mindful of distracting habits like foot or finger tapping, pen clicking, or repeatedly moving in and out of the room.
Don’t get uncomfortable with silence. Simply breathe, and recognize that this may be when the Holy Spirit is “sharing.” Listen for it.
Listen for Similarities – Our disease is frequently wrapped around the thoughts of being somehow different whether it is better or worse than everyone else. The fact that it is often both is an awesome twist in the dysfunction of addictive thinking. Many of us get a Ph.D. in “Me vs Them” type thinking, and ridding one’s self of it is a path to a more comfortable life. When listening to another share their life experiences look instead for the similarities rather than the differences. “Well at least I didn’t do that!” or “He wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I was” thoughts are great examples – drop them and listen for commonalities.
“Either/or” thinking will only take you so far in life. Take a look at where it has gotten you so far. Just sayin’…. Maybe it is time to explore “yes/and” thinking instead. Experiment with trying to see others through God’s eyes.
Speak Your Truth – Use “I” language to tell others about your experiences, challenges, and triumphs. (If you wonder what this means, ask someone or google it). You are not there to fix others – that is God’s job. Restrain yourself when feeling like someone needs to be corrected. We already know how incredibly super-smart you are.
Another important guideline for successful small groups is to recognize there is benefit in a variety of opinions on many topics. While participants of Him & Them all agree that there is only one “Higher Power,” there may be several opinions as to how to approach an angry spouse or a difficult job situation. This is not a debating society, and trying to prove your point over and over makes others uncomfortable. If you feel motivated to share, state your experience, and let it be.
Another common desire in groups is to “Fix” others. When someone is struggling and especially when they are crying, we want to help them. Just because someone pauses because they are crying, doesn’t mean they are done or need help. Give them space to collect themselves and move through the pain. This can be a powerful healing tool. Even something as seemingly polite as pushing the tissue box toward them is a signal that you are uncomfortable with their crying and they should stop it before they are done with their thoughts. If you want to help, BE THERE for them. “Listen” and “Silent” have all the same letters, just rearranged. Coincidence? We think not!
Confidential – people at these meetings need to know that they can share their darkest parts of their lives. What is said in meetings should stay in the meetings. No gossip to even your closest friends. We all need to bring our secrets out to allow the light to shine on them so that they lose their power over us. Those not suffering from these diseases frequently have difficulty understanding things that those with the disease feel is obvious.
To be clear, this is different from the anonymity that AA and the other _A’s value. While not being critical of AA, Him & Them is not a secret society. We are now at a point in societal development, where we either believe addiction is a disease or we don’t. It is time that we quit sweeping it under the rug and address it fully head-on. No one is proud that they developed an addiction, but there is definite gratitude when God blesses us with both physical and emotional sobriety. No fair keeping the blessings to yourself – share them when appropriate.
We are responsible for the consequences of our actions, but need to draw a line in the sand with regard to the shame which still surrounds addictions of all kinds. Bottom line: your participation in Him & Them is nothing to be ashamed of – share it whenever you think it may benefit others. Other member’s participation is their business - so leave it there. They get to decide when they are comfortable allowing other people into their circle of confidence. Not you.
Christ-Centered – Him & Them is a 12-step program that honors whatever gets others sober, but does not mince words about our belief in Our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus, the Holy Spirit sent to us as God’s counselor, and the Bible as the truthful Word of God. These are non-negotiable truths for our program. If you are having trouble with any of them, it’s OK. Talk to the group leader or a pastor about it. God loves seekers.
Seek and you will find.