What Should I do About an Addicted Spouse?
Abuse of alcohol, other drugs, or a compulsive behavior takes over and controls every aspect of one’s life. Addiction ruins the addict physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Unfortunately, there is collateral damage. Virtually everyone associated with the addict is affected in one way or another. The closer the relationship, the greater the impact. The immediate family suffers greatly in a myriad of ways. Parents, spouses and kids can all trace long term issues back to a dysfunctional relationship with an addict in their active disease.
Nowhere is this damage more evident than in the spousal relationship. They may not have had an active addiction when you said “In sickness and in health”, but when health becomes sickness, nobody goes unaffected. When an addiction is identified, there are several positive actions which should be considered. Every relationship is unique, and nothing stated here should be considered written in stone. Flexibility must be the first value in approaching a spouse with addiction.
Educate yourself – learn as much as possible about addiction and its treatment. Start with the Him & Them book. Then read up on co-dependency and addressing the issues effecting your family’s physical, mental, emotional well-being.
Get a team – you should at the very least spend time with someone who has walked the path you’re on. Al-Anon, and other support groups can be a good start. Talk to your pastor for an introduction to another person affected by someone else’s addiction. Get a psychologist with a biblical world view and look for ways to grow and move past the behaviors which have hampered your growth. Don’t go it alone!
Develop boundaries – work with your team to define what your non-negotiable values are and how you can realize them. Clarify what you will and will not accept and then make your needs known to the addict. If the person with an addiction agrees, utilize a marital counselor or pastor to have a third person involved in strengthening these boundaries.
Improve your walk – double down on your prayer life, your time in God’s word, and your communion with other believers. Be bold in your requests for prayers for you and the person suffering with the disease. Hold your head high and know you are a beloved child of God who wants you to grow into a better relationship with both Him, and all the rest of His children.
Draw the line – Ultimatums and interventions can be a powerful tool in helping your loved one reach their “rock bottom” quicker. They can be done correctly when assistance from a professional is accessed, and they can be done very badly alone. Don’t threaten if you aren’t going to stand behind the decision. It makes future attempts very difficult.
Protect yourself – While God wants marriages to survive difficulty, there cannot be an unsafe environment for you or the others in your care. Use whatever support or even legal means to protect yourself. No one, even a severely diseased person has the right to hurt others. They must be held accountable for their behavior.
Finally, let me leave you with wisdom from those who have walked through the fire before you – the good folks at Al-Anon: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Say that to yourself several times a day.
There are no words in which any human can take away all the pain caused by addiction in a family, but those words do exist, and they come from your Father:
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah29:11
Peace,
Don
